He eventually moved back in. Things were strange I think he used me as an excuse to get back in.
In the following months there was lots of arguments and upset. Until one day I opened the garage door to find my dad trying to hang himself from the rafters, the cord was white. My mum rushed passed me and as she got close my dad swung a piece of wood at her I don’t know if it hit her I suspect it just missed I do remember the pure rage from my dad. Maybe I blanked out what happened next but I do remember sitting on the bottom step of the stairs and my mum bringing me a milky coffee. I guess that made it all okay.
Things didn’t really get better my mum was always going to leave. I remember her packing her car with her college books one day. Leaving me crying at the door. Which has led to the doctor to conclude I also have abandonment issues as well. I agree.
The breakdown:
I guess this whole mess started the night before we went to Cuba. We were filling an application form for a job for me at Claire’s workplace. Just before she sent it she said “You do realise you’ll bump into some of my ex boyfriends” I hadn’t really thought about. I asked who and she told me, no problems, anyone else I asked? Yes a guy I had an affair with before we met. Alarm bells rang in my head, it was difficult for me to trust after what happened when I was young. So this revelation knocked me for 6 really. We went on holiday and it was okay I got over it kinda. However I noticed she all of a sudden had a passcode on her phone. This was a bit strange I have nothing to hide and I assumed neither did she, our phones were always left out but all of a sudden she has a password. I asked her about it and she said it was a work thing…. Okay….
About a week after we got back she announced that since turning 40 she felt differently about life… Okay.. roll with it,
She started working really late, coming home late from work, going on business trips to Cardiff, one name popped up a few times Carlo. I got a bit suspicious and looked on her laptop and noticed she’d been googling him: where he lived, pictures of him and his bike, there were also little email exchang that I saw, a little bit flirty. I asked her if there was something going on and she laughed in my face, said I was paranoid then went to sleep. It didn’t make me feel any better. But I had to except it, I didn’t want to make waves.
Shortly after things got worse between us. She then said I was depressed and needed help. Thinking that this might save my marriage which was going South at an alarming rate I agreed and off to the doctors we went. Claire did all the talking and well she convinced the doctor. Tablets were given – citalopram and diazepam. After 2 weeks we went back and my dosage was increased to max :40mg. Okay I’m rolling with this because I’m still trying to help save us. She then tells me that she loves me but isn’t sure. I asked her if there was someone else? She said no. However she did say she could have an affair anytime if she wanted. Not the greatest thing I wanted to hear. Which is when she said she didn’t see me as a man anymore. So I’m now battling with the tablets and my marriage is in serious trouble.
Unfortunately the increase in medication stopped me sleeping, I was getting desperate for sleep and I had the depression and the marriage all going on. She told me that I had to get better for myself. But I wanted to get better for her and the children. She didn’t like this answer. She said I needed to stop trying to sort the marriage out….. Yes because worrying about my marriage was that easy to forget.
The first overdose:
Easter week I was off. I took the children to watch Boss Baby at the cinema. Claire had gone for a meeting in the morning. When I got home she wasn’t back. I saw her laptop and still being a bit unsure and suspicious I had a look at her emails, there were 2 quite graphic emails between her and Carlo. It made me sick. I phoned my in-laws explained what had happened and asked them to take the children.
They came and didn’t know what to say. I showed them the emails and they were taken back, couldn’t believe it. Once they had taken the kids away I took all my citalapran about 900mg and 18 diazepam. I phoned Claire told her to come home said I had seen the emails. She denied it and hung up. I remember feeling drunk and hickuping alot. She came home I think I confronted her and walked out I have no idea what she said, no idea what I said. I ended up on a bench, I think I fell asleep, no idea how long I’d been there. I stumbled back home aware that I probably looked drunk when I got home Claire had gone out again. I got in my car and drove to the travel lodge. I probably shouldn’t have driven. I cried most of the night and most of the next day.
We spoke on the phone the next day and it was agreed I come home on the Friday for Easter for the children. We talked she explained the emails as just something really stupid that didn’t mean anything and she was sorry. Okay I believed her…..
I now have no tablets and I’m in a bad way. She wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as me because it felt weird, so I was relegated to the sofa. It’s not the ideal place to get to sleep in the best of circumstances and I’m still not sleeping properly with all the worry.
On the Sunday she came to me and said that she had an idea what might help sort me out and by extension sort us out. She said I needed to see my parents and talk to them about what happened when I was young as this was the root of all my problems. I reluctantly agreed. Thing was my parents were in France. She told me I’d have to take a leap of faith.
On Tuesday we went back to the doctors again not my normal doctor though. Claire did all the talking again and got me different tablets, ones with a mild sedative in mirtazapine. And a sick note. We didn’t mention the overdose as Claire thought he probably wouldn’t let me goto France. He was reluctant to let me go anyway but Claire convinced both of us it was for the best. Her friend said i might have damaged my liver and should goto hospital for tests, but I didn’t bother, wasn’t really interested.
She planned a trip to a caravan with the children on the Wednesday for 4 days and would be back on Saturday, the day I was flying out. I was very upset about everything that was going on. And often would just start crying randomly. The night before she left I wasn’t in a good way with being upset and she told me to leave. I did. She left in the morning to the caravan and I came home.
I wrote her a lovely letter and cut love hearts out of card and scattered them on the bed for when she came home. She phoned me a few times a day to check on me and tell me what was going on.
Brian took me to the airport. She phoned me one last time and then I flew out. We sent texts to each other. And a few emails. Which is where my diary starts….